It can be difficult to get over our problems. When I was in school, I actually kind of enjoyed wallowing in my sorrows. Why? Well, I'm not really sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I felt sorry for myself and I wanted to be able to justify my reasons for being angry, sad, lonely, and, sadly, for not following through with a lot of my goals. I blamed other people. I blamed my family's financial circumstances. I blamed my parents' divorce. I blamed my ugly braces and hair. Basically, I blamed my bad attitude on anything I could think of...except on myself. I never took responsibility for my actions and feelings. Sure, some of the outside forces had a huge impact on my self image and personality. I know that my parents' divorce and my socioeconomic status had an effect on how I was perceived by others and how I felt about myself. I also know that my ugly braces and my frizzy hair made it difficult for me to make friends and attract boys, but the thing I didn't realize at the time was that I could control the way I reacted to those things. I could choose to feel sorry for myself and to wallow in misery or I could choose to do my very best to be positive and optimistic and work hard to overcome the challenges life handed to me. Sadly, I chose to be miserable and today, even years and years later, I am struggling to overcome things that I could have overcome as a teenager if I had just changed the way I dealt with my problems.
So, what kind of advice could I have benefited from as a teenager? Well, here is a little list of some things I could have done better (and I'm sure there were A LOT more things that I will probably leave out) to improve my circumstances then and my chances for success later in life (when referring to "success," I don't mean just success at becoming a famous singer or writer but also success as a well-rounded, happy person. That takes a lot of work, too!)
Advice:
- Learn to see the good in all people, including those who aren't very nice to you: SOMETIMES (definitely not all of the time, but why not try to improve your chances of success, right?) when you encounter people who don't treat you very well for one reason or another, it might help, instead of hating them back or trying to find something you can make fun of them for, to look for the good in those people and to compliment them on it. It may take a while, but it sure it hard to hate someone or be mean to someone who is genuinely nice to you and complimentary toward you. But here's the catch, you need to be genuine with your compliments. Most people can see through fake compliments. So, find something you really admire about the person and let them know it!
- Learn how to forgive yourself for your mistakes and to forgive those who offend you: One thing I really struggled with in school (and still do sometimes) was forgiving myself for mistakes I made and not holding grudges against people who had offended me somehow. First, find a way to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Believe me, I know what it feels like to want to be perfect and to feel like a failure when you make just one little mistake, but, really, that's what growing up is all about- making mistakes and learning from them. So, accept that you're going to make some mistakes (and probably some pretty big, foolish ones), try to learn from the mistakes that you make (and make them right where you can), and move on with your life. Dwelling on past mistakes for too long can cause a lot of unnecessary heartache and waste a lot of precious time. Here's a great quote from the unconquerable Maya Angelou about forgiving yourself:
“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”
Second, learn to forgive others. I saw an episode of a TV show once where one character (I'll call him Ben) was holding a grudge against another character (I'll call him Sean) for many years. Sean didn't even know that Ben was angry with him. One day, after many years had passed since the two had even seen each other, they happened to meet in a store. Ben immediately felt all of his old angry feelings and let Sean know how much he hated him. Sean laughed at Ben and said something to him that I thought was pretty telling. He said something like, "All of these years I haven't given you a second thought while I've been living rent free in your head!" In other words, Sean hadn't really thought much about Ben and had gone on with his life. Ben, on the other hand, had spent many hours, days, and years thinking about Sean and wasting lots of time and energy feeling angry. If he would have just let go of his anger in the beginning or resolved his differences with Sean earlier, he could have gone on with his life and not wasted one more minute worrying about a situation that ended up meaning nothing to the other person. No matter what someone else does to you, try to let go of it. Don't waste your life away feeling angry, depressed, or self conscious about what someone else may have said or done. You control your life. Don't let someone else control it for you.
- Look toward your future and work hard for it: When I was growing up, there were definitely things I liked to do and wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a writer, a famous singer, maybe even a movie star. I also had serious interest in playing basketball in school and later being a historian. Well, I became none of those things. Why? Because I was so worried everyday about what other people thought about me and so depressed about how others' viewed me that I drowned myself in sorrow and forgot my interests. Oh, and did little things here and there- I took voice lessons, tried out for a couple of plays, write long novels in notebooks that I kept hidden under my bed, and dreamt of making a game-winning basket at the state championship game, but I never really worked to improve any of my interests and I didn't work very hard to get noticed or to learn more about what I might be able to do with my interests in the future. I literally just let all those years I had pass away worrying and being depressed when I could have been learning more and working hard towards my goals and dreams. So, don't do what I did. I totally get that it's hard...REALLY HARD...to hear people say horrible things about you and to feel like you're ugly or not any good at anything and to just get over it and move on, but you've got to find a way to do it. Don't let others control your future. Take ahold of your future and make out of it what you want to. Don't waste any time! Get going!
- Sticks and stones kind of thing: My mom always used to say to me, "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt me." I never liked that saying, and I don't think it's true at all. Words can DEFINITELY hurt you, but we have a lot more control over how we let hurtful words affect us than we do over how physical harm affects us! Yes, hurtful words will sting initially. So, take a minute to cool down and gain some perspective. Take a minute to cry if you need to. After that, do what you can to get over it. Take some of the suggestions I've mentioned on other pages on this blog - finding an outlet, getting involved, etc., and move on with your life.
- Surround yourself with only positive people and positive influences: I have some friends that are sometimes so much fun to hang out with and when they are happy and positive have been a part of some of the most fun times I've had. However, more often not, these same people are depressed, negative, and down on the whole world and every person in it. To them, no one REALLY cares, nothing is REALLY good, and there really isn't any hope. And all they want to do is complain, whine, and gossip. When I'm around them in that kind of mood, I feel depressed myself and I start to think like they do! I start to feel like my life is awful, no one really likes me, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I can do anything good with my life. If you have friends like this, get away from them as fast as you can! Now, everyone has moments like this. So, I'm not saying that you want to abandon your friends as soon as they start exhibiting negative signs. That would definitely not be being a good friend. Instead, do what you can to be there for your friends, especially when they are going through difficulties, but, at the same time, try to surround yourself with people who are positive MOST of the time, happy MOST of the time, and who believe in themselves and encourage you to do the same.
- Be optimistic: Look at the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. Look at your failures as little steps along the way to success. Be hopeful about your future, even if it looks pretty bleak. Don't give up.
- Be willing to fail many times: Every successful person has had at least one setback in their lives. Many successful people had many setbacks. Look at Thomas Edison, who failed at inventing the lightbulb 1,000 times before he was successful. What would have happened if he had given up on the 500th time? :) And I love the way he looked at his failures. He said that he didn't fail at inventing the lightbulb 1,000 times. Instead, he found 1,000 ways to not make a lightbulb and one way to make it right!
- Take positive criticism, make something of it: No one is perfect. Even some of the most amazing singer, sports players, writers, architects, etc. had to, at some point, learn how to do what they do or at least learn how to do it better. Michael Jordan wasn't born the best basketball player in the world. In fact, he was cut from his high school basketball team. He had to practice A LOT. Mariah Carey and Beyonce had to spend hours and hours practicing and performing in order to become some of the best singers in the world. That being said, most successful people had mentors or people that helped them along the way- people that offered them constructive criticism and made them work harder at some skill or another to get better. Everyone has something they need to improve upon and it's important to get advice from professionals and others who know what they are talking about when it comes to the things we need to improve, whether it's a vocal coach, a sports coach, an editor, a teacher, and, yes, even a parent. It's important to take their advice, their counsel, and even their criticism and to do something with it. Don't let it get you down! Don't let it make you give up! Let it inspire you to get better, to improve, and to make that weakness into a strength.
- Learn to let negative criticism roll off of you - most people who negatively criticise have issues themselves: There have been a few things said to me over the years about my singing ability that have been really hurtful. I won't go into specifically what was said, but it was hurtful and unnecessary to say to me. For a long time, I let those things bother me and cause me to wonder if I should even be singing at all. The funny thing is, I've had FAR MORE positive comments about my singing than negative over the years, but those negative comments seem to find a way to dig their way into my thoughts and find a place to stay while to positive things float up in there for a time and then just as easily float away. We need to find a way to make the opposite happen. We need to find a way to take the negative comments for what they are - negative comments said by someone whose motivation for saying them we just don't know. Maybe they think they are being constructively critical and they're doing us good by saying something negative. On the other hand, they could have lots of self esteem issues themselves and want to bring you down so that they feel better about themselves. I knew a girl once who told me that she used to look at me sometimes and say to herself, 'At least I'm prettier than her." Why in the HECK does that even matter? Well, she was jealous, at times, of certain things I had or did that she didn't have or couldn't do, whether it was a guy I was dating or the fact that I could sing well and she had a normal sounding voice. So, find a way to not let the negative things people may say affect you too much. Use them as motivation to get better and to prove those people wrong about you.
- Let yourself heal from your past: Dealing with past issues can be a huge hangup in being successful in life. Some of us have such a hard time letting go of the past that we can't focus on our future. I myself had to deal with some pretty difficult past issues before I could be successful at some things in my life. For instance, my parents were divorced with I was four. I specifically remember an instance when I saw my mother on her knees crying really hard over her relationship with my dad (this was before they were divorced). I remember feeling so much pain for her pain and feeling (even as a little girl) that I never wanted to feel like that again. After that experience, I put up a wall between me and relationships. Any guy I dated, I made miserable. I would never let guys into my heart. I never wanted to be seen as vulnerable or feeling anything. I had to be the strong one, the one that could walk away from the relationship and not be affected by it. Well, when I got married (which was a huge difficulty for me to even agree to!), it was really difficult for me to let go of those habits - not letting myself feel love, not letting my husband into my heart, etc.
- Don't step on people to get where you want to go: I've heard it said before that you have to be willing to step on people's toes to be successful in life. I don't think that's true. I think all that does is cause a lot of sore toes and you end up making a lot of enemies out of people who could potentially help you in some way. So, don't do that. Be friendly to everyone. Be willing to take advice from those willing to give it (although not all of it is good, so don't necessarily listen to it all!). Open your heart to people and realize that they have dreams and ambitions, too, and you don't want to be negative or critical of others dreams, either. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that you have to stand sheepishly by and watch others find success while you just wish you could. No! Do your best! If you enter a cake-decorating contest, don't fake it and make a mediocre cake because you don't want the others to feel bad about their own cakes! If you're in a singing competition, don't hold back because you're worried others will feel bad about their own abilities! ALWAYS do your best! If you know you can go in there and knock the socks off of people, then by all means knock of those socks! I just hope that you don't snicker at others or give critical looks or jestures or ever feel like you're better than someone else just because you may be more talented or a little further ahead than they are. Be someone who inspires in others the desire to do and be better, not someone who makes other people feel like they could never be as good as you are so they might as well not try. Be a builder of souls rather than a wrecker.
- When you take shortcuts to where you want to go, you usually miss out on some important step: Don't try to take shortcuts to be successful. Let me explain. I'm not saying that if you auditioned for "The X-Factor" and made it without ever having really done much performing in your life that you should say, "Well, thanks, but I just can't take this opportunity. I haven't done enough in my life yet to really be worthy of this opportunity." No! I'm not saying that at all! What I'm saying is that there is no substitute for practice and hard work. If you have an interest in something or a talent that you want to pursue, practice, practice, practice! Work hard at finding opportunities to help you get better at what you're interested in. Don't fudge your way through life. Take every opportunity you can, work hard, and never give up!
- Success takes hard work, lots of effort and time, and a no giving up attitude- be willing to do the work!: I guess this is kind of like what I just wrote in the last little tidbit of advice, so read that. :)
- Find ways to love yourself for who you are: I've never encountered a person who loves every little thing about themselves. I've heard that there are people like that, but I've never really known one personally. Whether your flaws are physical, mental, social, emotional, etc., there are things that each of us don't like about ourselves. For instance, I have one nostril that's bigger than the other, and I can't STAND that! But whenever I mention that, people just laugh at me and say they've never noticed that before. There are plenty of other things I don't like, either, but they're part of what make me me. I actually like to laugh at my nostrils now, and not in a way that makes me sad but I really think it's funny and fin to point out to others! And how many of us really like perfect people anyway? I have a hard time talking to or even being in the presence of anyone that I think is much better than me, so why would I want to be someone who makes other people uncomfortable like that? That would make for a really lonely life! Have you ever met someone that isn't the most beautiful or handsome person you've ever met but who has a great attitude about life and seems confident in who they are? Those are the people that have the most friends and that seem to be the happiest in life. That's how I want to be. So, look at yourself in the mirror for a while, and find a way to accept whatever flaws you may see or think you see. Find a way to love them for making you who you are. If there are things about your personality that you really hate, work on changing them or find a way to accept them for what they are. One of my favorite Hollywood personalities is Joan Cusak. She is quirky and funny (at least in her movies) and some people might even call her weird, but boy do I love her! She seems comfortable in her own skin - happy to be quirky!
- Don't get stuck comparing yourself to others: Again, focus on your strengths, work to make your weaknesses into strengths, and don't worry about what someone else can do that you cannot. Celebrate the fact that there are people out there who can paint amazing canvases for you to enjoy, that there is beautiful music or delicious food out in the world that you get to enjoy because someone else made it possible. And then work to find fulfillment in what you can do. Until I was 30 (which at this moment I still am), I thought that the only thing I was any good at was singing and I just couldn't find the motivation to do anything with it at this point in my life (three kids). I am NOT a crafty person. I'm a decent cook but if you want a gourmet meal at my house, come over when my husband cooks! I can't dance. I'm a horrible conversationalist and suffer through many awkward silences, even with my closest friends. And the list could go on and on. If I were to look around me and compare myself to at all of the super moms in my neighborhood who have their own gardens, are raising 12 children while running a successful sewing business, know how to can food and have a full year's supply of emergency food, have their entire house beautifully decorated with things that match perfectly and that they made themselves, etc., I would feel completely hopeless and I would give up on life. I would just sit on my couch all day, drowning my sorrows in chocolate and watching sad movies. It's hard to find motivation from looking at what others are doing and wishing you could do what they do. If you can compare yourself to others and use it as motivation to do better, than I applaud you! I can't really do that. I have to look at my strengths and interests, focus on what I can do well, and work hard to improve what I may not be the best at. Try new things. Learn new skills. But don't compare yourself and your accomplishments to others. Just don't do it! It's a waste of time and a waste of your life.
- One person's opinion is just that - one person's opinion: This goes back to not listening to negative criticism. Just because one person LOVES something you can do and thinks you're a rising star, does NOT mean that everyone will feel that way. Just watch "American Idol" or "The X-Factor" sometime and listen to how many different opinions the judges have. Have you ever felt embarrassed by the fact that you like a certain singer and others don't? (Come on, I know you secretly love the Beibster!) I know that when I was a kid, I was sometimes embarrassed by the fact that I loved Michael Jackson because a lot of the kids in my school didn't. And when I was student teaching at a junior high a few years ago and played some songs for my students that I THOUGHT were cool and, instead, found out that those songs were what their mothers listened to, I was a little embarrassed. But the deal is, no one likes the exact same things that you like. I mean, some people enjoy watching Curling during the winter olympics, but I just cannot wrap my head around that sport. Some people like ballet and modern dance, but I just can't sit through an entire ballet or modern dance performance. Some people love soccer, others love football, some people don't like sports at all. And some people like to listen to people scream like they're in some kind of excrutiating physical pain and call it music, while I can't even tolerate something like that for a nanosecond without getting a major headache! On the other hand, my husband rolls his eyes and my children clasp their hands over their ears and stick out their tongues anytime I play country music! So, we all have different likes and opinions about what is good. So, just realize that people will feel the same way about what you do or like. Can you look at a messy blue splotch on a canvas and call it art? Well, then you'd have a different opinion than me. Others would take my opinion of modern art and call it juvenile or uninspired. Well, that's ok. Some people would call me a nerd for loving history. Oh well. Don't let one or a few people's opinions about you get you down. Do what you love. Be who you are. Find happiness and contentment in your life through doing and being and enjoying what you love. Don't worry about what other people think.
- Love people and open your heart to them: Don't you just love people who are nice to you? Don't you just love people who complement you, offer to help you, smile at you, show interest in your life, and remember details about you that you've discussed with them before? I LOVE people like that! And I want to be someone like that. I want to be someone that people love. For a long time, though, I didn't know how to be loveable. I thought being loveable meant being popular in school. I didn't think it had anything to do with being a kind person, a good person, a thoughtful person, or a good listener or friend. I thought it had more to do with having amazing talents that people could be jealous of. I thought I had to be beautiful to be loved. But that's not how to do it at all! People will love you if you first love them. People will open their hearts to you if your heart is already open to them. And how do you love people? At first, you may have to force yourself. You make have to consciously make yourself do things that will help open your heart to others. You can accomplish that by 1) finding ways to serve people - offer to babysit for neighbors, offer to help peers with projects or problems they may be having. Help your brother with his chores or offer to drive him to his friend's house. Help an elderly neighbor with their yard work or take them some treats or just go visit them. 2) Also, take time to notice things about people that you can turn into a complement- what they wear, or the way they do their makeup or hair, a talent that they have, etc. It can (and should) also be personality things you like about them- how nice they are to others, how much you admire something you saw them doing, etc. Make sure your compliments are sincere. 3) Smile at people! I find myself shying away from eye contact and turning my head away from someone's gaze just at the moment I could be smiling at them. I've actually been told by someone that they didn't think I cared about them because I never smiled at them. I know that when people don't smile at me I wonder if they like me. So, why wouldn't someone else think the same thing about you?! So, just suck it up, make eye contact with people, and smile at them like they're your best friend in the world. It will make a world of difference! 4) Show interest in people's lives. When you have the chance to talk to people, don't just talk about the weather or some random thing. Show genuine interest in their lives. Ask them about themselves and the things they are interested in. Ask about their families. I don't know about you, but I jump at the chance to talk about myself whenever it seems like people want to know things about me. People like to feel like you are interested in knowing about them. So, show some interest in others and ask them about themselves. 5) Remember the things you talk to people about- Has anyone ever asked you the same question many times, like "Where are you from?" or "Where do you work?" or "What's your favorite subject in school?" etc? I understand that people can't remember every detail about your life and I don't expect them to, but doesn't it make you feel good about yourself when someone remembers little details you tell them? I sure like people that do that! And people will like you if you do it, too! (Although, you don't want to make it creepy and mention things that you may have learned on Facebook or something. Make sure it's something you've actually discussed with them before) :)
- As much as you want to work toward your future and hope in that, don't forget to find happiness today!: If you are constantly thinking that your life will be better one day or as soon as you accomplish some great thing then you'll be happy, or as soon as this bad part of your life is over then you'll be happy then you will never be happy. There will always be another trial to get over, something else to look forward to, etc. find happiness now. Even if all you can do is take a walk and enjoy the beautiful flowers or mountains or ocean, then do it. find happiness in your family or your friends or in your interest in some subject in school or some book that you can't put down. Find happiness in a hobby. Find things NOW that make you happy while you work toward your goals and dreams, because if you aren't happy now, you won't be happy all of a sudden one day when you have what you want. You may find satisfaction and joy from accomplishing a goal, but lasting happiness, REAL happiness is something that is in you and something that you actively seek to maintain as a part of your life. It's an attitude that is developed and consciously chosen. You choose to be happy. So, choose it NOW. Don't wait for it.
- Don't worry about people who really won't be a part of your life in the future: This doesn't mean that if you know someone now who you might now know well in a few years that you should just ignore them or not worry about them. This little piece of advice is meant specifically to be about people who aren't kind to you or who you might think don't like you. For instance, I didn't have any friends in high school that were in the popular crowd. Some of them weren't nice to me, others didn't really know I existed or didn't really care. I worried SO MUCH about what they thought about me. I wished so much that they would like me and want me for a friend. But you know what? 10 years after high school at my high school reunion, those of us regular folk who weren't popular back in the day sat back and looked at the group of popular kids who had all saved each others' seats at the reunion, filled our picture show with only their pictures, and didn't make any attempt to talk to any of us and were rather amused. MOST (not all) of those that we had thought of as the popular kids were still stuck on themselves but not one of us cared at all. None of knew any of the details of their lives over the past ten years and none of us cared to know them. Not that we hated them or thought they were worthless, but their perceived popularity in high school didn't matter one bit to any one of us. We had all gone on with our lives and were involved in our own pursuits now and how popular onw guy or girl was in high school didn't affect our lives now one iota. So, don't worry about the popular kids. Don't stress that they're not your friends or that they don't know who you are. And don't be mad at them for it, either. Just don't worry about them. Let them live their lives and you live yours. In a few years, you'll probably remember their names, but their lives probably won't affect yours' one bit.
-Don't compromise your personal integrity or morality to get somewhere or something you want: Whatever it is that you believe in or whatever is important to you when it comes to your morals and values, don't give them up just because you think they might be standing in the way of getting something you want. Your beliefs and values are part of your core, the center of your life. Not all of you have established your beliefs and values firmly yet, and that's ok. I would encourage you, however, to explore what you believe and what you value before you allow yourself to get involved in risky activities that could get you into serious trouble. Do you believe in a God or some form of all-powerful being? Do you believe in right and wrong? Do you believe that basic honesty and decency are important? Do you believe in treating people with respect? Do you believe that laws are important to maintain a peaceful society? Etc. Ask yourself what you believe in and live by it. Don't compromise the things that you feel are important just because someone might think your beliefs are silly or juvenile. At the same time, respect others' beliefs as their own. If you want to always make sure that you feel good about yourself and your choices and don't do something you will regret or that may change your life for the worse, then always try to make choices that are in line with your core values and beliefs. But remember that we all make mistakes and be willing to forgive yourself and others when you need to.
- Don't think that everyone is happier, more successful, or having more fun than you just because all of their pictures of Facebook make them look that way! I love Facebook, but I also hate it. I've found myself spending all kinds of time looking through friends' pictures and their profiles and I usually find myself feeling depressed afterwards. Why? Because it APPEARS from all of their fun pictures and smiling faces and long lists of interests and favorites that their lives are so much better than mine! But, really, most of us wouldn't post (and don't take) pictures of ourlseves at sad times. Most of us try not to say horribly negative things about our lives on Facebook. And most of us love to talk about the fun things we did over the weekend or the cool things we're interested in. Really, everyone has struggles, sadnesses, failures, and heartaches, but most of us aren't aware of everyone else's difficulties. Just know and remember that we all have good times and bad and that your life doesn't suck compared to everyone else's just because they look happy on Facebook.
