When I was a preteen/teenager, I got really depressed....a lot. It would have really helped me if I had determined to take control of the things I could control and to let go of the things I could not control. That's a lot easier said than done, of course, and I'm still some 15+ years later, working on taking control of the things I can and letting go of the things I can't control. I think it's a lifelong process, but it can really help in your quest to find inner peace and happiness if you can take control of your life! So, just how do you go about doing that? What things can you really control and what things do you have no control over?
Things You CAN Control
- your appearance (sort of) - obviously, we are all born with inherited looks. Some people are born naturally handsome or beautiful and could walk around in sweatpants and tousled hair and still be gorgeous. Others are born needing a little extra help in the looks department. That's just a fact of life and there is nothing we can do to change what looks we were born into this world with. HOWEVER, there is PLENTY that we can do to look our best. 1) First, we need to be happy and have a good attitude. People that are confident and happy are, to me, the most attractive people in the world. There are plenty of famous movie stars that are considered beautiful but who I look at as ugly because of their attitudes and the way they treat people. So, the most important thing you can do to make yourself attractive is to be positive, happy, and confident. 2) Second, if there are physical characteristics about yourself that you don't particularly like, such as difficult-to-manage hair (like me), facial features that we don't like that we can do something about (pimples, a unibrow, bags under our eyes, etc), a little too much weight than you're comfortable with, crooked teeth, etc., try out different ways to enhance your appearance. For example, try lots of different hair products, let you friends work on your hair, get hair tips from magazines or hair professionals, etc. With physical features like your face, learn to apply light makeup (there are a lot of good techniques you can use to make certain facial features less noticeable), visit a skin doctor about any skin issues you might have, be physically active and eat healthy food to keep yourself in shape, and pluck your unibrow, if you have one (or learn to love it!)
- your attitude- Attitude is a CHOICE! You can choose to be down and depressed about all of the difficult things you have to go through, or you can choose to use whatever stumbling blocks are in your life as stepping stones to a better future. There's a poem my dad used to say all of the time when I was growing up. It's language is a little old fashioned and it may be a little difficult to understand but I think the basic message comes through clearly:
"Isn’t it strange that princes and kings
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings
And common folk like you and me
Are builders for eternity.
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings
And common folk like you and me
Are builders for eternity.
To each is given a book of rules
A block of stone and a bag of tools
For each must shape ere time has flown
A stumbling block or a stepping stone."
A block of stone and a bag of tools
For each must shape ere time has flown
A stumbling block or a stepping stone."
- Author Unknown
- the amount of sleep you get and how well you take care of yourself (mentally, physically) - Sometimes we can control how we feel about life by taking better care of our bodies. Getting too little sleep or not enough nutrition and physical activity can really had a harmful affect on us, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally, as well. I can't tell you how much crankier I am with my kids when I haven't had enough sleep or how hard it is to motivate myself to be productive and active when I'm not feeling good physically. And then when I'm not very productive, I feel bad about myself emotionally. I start feeling down on myself and depressed - that I'm not good enough to accomplish anything. So, take a step toward better overall health by taking care of your physical body.
- your relationship with your parents - I know that not all parents are good parents, but I believe that MOST parents love their children and want what is best for them. I know that as a teenager, I didn't necessarily think that my parents had much to offer me, but they really do. Parents have experienced a lot of what you have experienced. Their lives may seem boring, but they were teenagers once, too. They had raging horomones. They were confused about life. They had to figure out who they were and what they believed and what they wanted out of life. So, try to talk to your parents. Try to spend time getting to know them better. Show them you love them and are interested in their lives. For the most part, you can control that. If you can't, find a trusted adult you can learn from.
- how you treat others: choose to be kind to others, no matter how they treat you. That doesn't mean that you have to be best friends or even friends with every person you know, but always aim to treat everyone with kindness and to see the best in people.
- how much time and effort you put into your interests and following your dreams: Your successes in life are largely determined by how hard you work. You get out of something what you put into it.
- whether or not you believe in yourself
- whether or not you let what others think about you or say about you affect you
- your academics - the amout of time and effort you put into school: Not everyone gets straight A's even if they do their best in school, but always try to do your best. Get used to the hard work it takes to be successful in the future by working hard at being successful at your current endeavors.
- how physically, mentally, spiritually active you are
- how open your heart is to others
- how much you are willing to serve others: I always feel happier and more loving towards others when I serve them. You might not be excited about service, but just try it out and see how it affects you for the better!
- whether or not you are selfish or prideful
- things you do to make yourself happy: Choose activities and interests that bring you lasting happiness rather than those things that provide a quick fix or a little bit of fun for now but regret later.
- how you spend your time: You can spend your time being productive and accomplishing something that will affect your future or you can choose to idle away your time with pursuits that won't do you any good in the future. Now, we all need SOME down time to relax and clear our minds. So, take a few minutes here and there to play a video game, search the internet, watch some TV, etc., but don't spend countless hours doing those things. It's just a waste of precious time that could be used shaping your future.
- how you treat your friends
- the kind of person you become
- your future (sort of): You can't control everything that happens in your future. Believe me, I've written countless 5 and 10-year plans and have seen them, for the most part, not come to pass the way I planned for them to. I mean, I did NOT intend to spend 10 years getting through college! But you CAN control certain things about your future, like if you save money or if you get into mounds of debt. You control how hard you work at a job. You can control whether or not you go to college and work toward a career you will enjoy. You can control how much you learn about the things you are interested in or how much you try to perfect your talents. Etc. There are a lot of things you can control about your future. Focus on those things and don't worry too much about the things you can't.
Things You CAN'T Control
- your appearance (sort of): Yes, I listed this in the "Things You Can Control" section, as well, and it was on purpose! I wrote about things about your appearance that you can control, but there are some things that you just have no say over when it comes to your appearance. Like me, I can't control that one of my nostrils is bigger than the other. I can't control that I have ultra frizzy hair that I have to use all kinds of products and time to get to look decent. I can't control that my body decided to go out of puberty before I developed all the way (totally flat chest). I can't control that my body gains weight in my stomach before anywhere else, making me sometimes feel like I look like a watermelon on toothpicks. Those things, and others, I just can't control. But I CAN do some things to make myself feel better about those things. I can try to not focus on my nostrils...not always successful at that, but I have learned to just laugh at that silly part of me! I can learn as much as possible about how to tame frizzy hair and I can try different products and methods to get my hair to look as close as possible to what I would like it to look like. I can take care of my physical body with healthy eating, exercise, and rest. Do the best you can with your physical appearance and learn to accept and love the things about your body that you just can't change.
- your socioeconomic status (the amount of money your parents make) - but you can control what you become in the future: There's not a whole lot you can do about the amount of money your parents make, which may make it difficult for those of you (like me) who are growing up in a lower socioeconomic status than others. You may not be able to dress the way you want to or have the latest gadgets that you see others with, like a SMART phone or a laptop, etc. Maybe you don't have the internet at your house or you can't afford to sign up for extracurricular activities at school. Whatever the case, there's not much you can do about that. But, if you are old enough to get a job, you CAN control what you do with your own money. You can save money for college. You can go to secondhand stores like Ross or Plato's Closet that have in-style clothing. You can pay for you own cell phone. And, more important than any of that, you can control how hard you work at being successful in the future so that you ensure you have a career that you will feel successful at and be happy with. I don't really mean a career where you make lots of money, because money, although necessary, doesn't bring lasting happiness. I mean a career that you will love and that will enable you to live a comfortable life.
- any learning or other disabilities you might have (but you can control how hard you work at bettering them and your attitude about them - feeling sorry for yourself vs. empowering yourself to overcome): I've read lots of stories about people overcoming Dislexia or ADHD or other learning disabilities. I've seen people with Downs Syndrome who are very happy and fufilled with their lives. I've watched video of the Special Olympics and marvelled at some of the physical limitations that people have overcome. These people couldn't stop the fact that they had some kind of disbility. They couldn't take away their Dislexia or ADHD. They couldn't take away their physical disabilities, but they COULD work hard at overcoming the limitations that resulted from their disabilities. Others have let their disabilities control them. Again, many times our attitudes determine how difficulties and challenges affect our lives.
- the way others treat you (but you can control how you react to it and how you let it affect you)
- anything inherited: You can't help it if you inherit the possiblility of developing some type of genetic disease or malady. I've even heard it said that things like alcoholism or tempers are genetic, but you CAN do some things that can improve your chances for not being affected. You can keep yourself phsycially healthy. You can get enough sleep. You can have a positive attitude and outlook on life. You can take vitamins. You can surround yourself with positive people and activities. You find positive ways to calm yourself down and de-stress. All of these things will help give you a better chance when it comes to genetic illnesses and habits.
- your immediate feelings about circumstances or things that happen to you (but you can control how you react to those feelings and how you deal with them and control them if you need to): We all experience immediate feelings and reactions to things that happen around us. When someone verbally or physically attacks us, we immediately feel defensive. That's a natural reaction that, really, we cannot stop and in all actuality don't want to stop, since our adrenalin aids us in getting out of danger fast or helps us become more aware of our surroundings in dangerous situations. However, we CAN control how we ACT and we can do things to calm any negative feelings we might have. Don't react to bad situations immediately. If you need to, take some time to calm yourself down before you react angrily or defensively toward someone. I was told by a pyschologist once that it takes the human brain 20 minutes to calm down from a perceived attack, so take 20 minutes to calm down if you need it before you try to confront someone about an issue, and be calm with them, as well.
- whether or not a particular boy likes you (I for some reason thought I could will a boy to like me or wait patiently long enough for him to realize it): There may be a boy (or girl) that you think is IT for you and you may feel like you'll never find anyone like them again in your entire life. I'm not here to tell you it's stupid to feel that way. I remember very clearly feeling that way about a boy. What I am here to tell you, though, is that you can't make a boy or girl fall in love with you. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to get to know someone and expressing your interest in them. I mean, you'd never have a relationship if you didn't take a chance and tell someone how you felt or ask someone on a date, but you can't force someone to like you and you can't convince them that you're the only for them. I'm not saying that someone can't grow to love you, because I know that happens. I also know that friends sometimes don't have feelings for each other at all and then one day feeling develop. But that's not typical. Realize that someone isn't going to love you because you convince them to. Someone isn't going to love you because you follow them around and stare at them and think about them constantly. The best way to get to know people and develop friendships and relationships is to get involved in groups of people that share your interests, hang out with them, get to know them, spend time with them, and let things happen when they happen. Don't obsess about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't spend hours devising a plan of how to get someone to notice you or spend hours stalking them on Facebook. Enjoy your life, keep your options open, and let your relationships come out of your groups of friends or come from meeting people that enjoy the same kinds of things you enjoy.
- whether or not a particular teacher likes you: All teachers should treat you with respect and give you the same amount of attention that they give to others, but we just don't get along with everybody, and teachers are no exception. I didn't like all of my teachers, and I'm sure not all of my teachers LOVED me, either. Don't take it too personally if a teacher doesn't like you. Definitely demand respect and attention that you need (in a nice, respectful way, of course) and don't put up with teachers who treat you poorly. But don't worry too much if you don't get along perfectly with a teacher.
- how your parents treat you (although you can control how you act and whether or not you listen to your parents and follow their rules): Parents are imperfect, too. Parents are still learning how to be good parents. They didn't get a handbook of parental instructions before their kids were born and many of them learned parenting skills from their own parents, who weren't perfect, either. So, you really can't control your parents and the way they choose to discipline you. You can choose to follow their rules, however. You can choose to be respectful. You can choose to be kind to them and show them love.
- the consequences of your actions (that's why you need to think before you act and be willing to accept the consequences of your choices): You can control your choices but you CANNOT control the consequences of your actions. You may be able to hide something for a while, but eventually consequences will catch up with you, so it's smart to just avoid bad choices as much as possible so you don't have to deal with bad consequences.
- illnesses you might get (although taking care of your health can significantly reduce the risk of many illnesses).
- who does and does not like you (but you can increase your chances of being well liked by your actions and your attitude)
- natural disasters
Obviously, this list is not exhaustive - meaning that there are probably plenty more things we could add to these lists. What I want you to realize is that there are some things you can control and there are some things that you just cannot. Worrying or becoming depressed about the things we can't control is a waste of time and not worth the waste. Taking control of the things you have control over is a major step in the right direction toward being happy and living a fulfilling life. When you take control of your life, you learn how to work hard, how to let go of things that don't matter, how to use your time wisely, how to make goals and achieve them, and, ultimately, how to believe in yourself and follow your dreams.
