I went through school feeling like I had no friends. There were kids that I would talk to sometimes in class or kids I happened to sit next to at lunch, but other than that, I felt alone and misunderstood. I mentioned in one of my blog posts that I had lots of friends in elementary school but they all turned their backs on me once we got into junior high. I went through a pretty bad and prolonged awkward stage and my old friends all became the popular kids who somehow were lucky enough to develop early and be good at makeup and picking out clothes. Looking back, though, there were a lot of things I could have done to change my horrible experience.
The FIRST thing I want to emphasize is that basing your self worth on whether or not the popular kids like you will only bring you misery. Do your best to not worry about what the popular kids think. When I was in school, I used to think that all of my problems would be solved if I was just popular. The fact of the matter was, however, that I wasn't popular and I never would be. There was nothing I could do about that, either. In my school, most of the popular kids came from wealthy families, which I definitely did not. I came from a single-parent family and we were pretty poor. I couldn't afford to buy any designer clothes or to get expensive haircuts. I couldn't dye my hair or buy much makeup. I didn't even know how to put on makeup, so I never bothered to ask my mom to buy me any. It just wasn't in the cards for me to ever be a popular kid, but that didn't mean I had to be miserable. There were plenty of other teenagers at school who weren't welcome in the popular kids group, and so, if I had been smart and not so worried about the popular crowd, I could have looked around me and found plenty of friends. In fact, there were a few people I sat with at lunch that I enjoyed talking to and spending time with, but I never considered them close friends and didn't make much effort to develop any friendships because they weren't the kind of friends I wanted. I look back at that now and regret the fact that I didn't take advantage of the opportunity I had to build relationships with those people.
So, when it comes to making friends, my best advice for you is to not restrict yourself when it comes to the type of person you want as a friend. Don't just look for attractive people or popular people. Look for people that you share things in common with, that you can easily talk to, and that make you feel good about yourself. Where can you find friends if you don't have any? Well, you can find them at church, in school clubs or other classes, at local community organizations, etc. If you can get the courage to start a conversation with someone in your class, that will help. You can start by asking someone's name and how they like the class you're in together. You can ask them what they like to do. And always remember to listen closely to what they are telling you so that you can keep the conversation going and respond in ways that will let them know you really care about what they are saying. People don't want to be friends with those who don't seem to care about them.
I know a lot of you probably have online friends that you've never met in person. Sometimes, those friends can be really helpful for us, but I would just caution you on a few things. First, I don't think that an online friend can ever really replace a personal, face-to-face friend. An online friend can't be there physically for you, and there is so much to relationships that is physical. Also, the more we retreat into online friendships, the more difficult it will be for us to make and/or maintain real friendships. It's easy to lose social skills when all we do is talk to or type on a computer or phone. Also, be aware that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people online who pretend to be someone they are not. There are many adult sexual predators out there who pose as teenagers so that they can gain your trust. Then, they eventually try to find a way to meet with you. This can be sooooo dangerous! It only takes meeting a dangerous person one time to ruin the rest of your life! So, PLEASE be cautious! And don't fall into the trap of thinking it could never happen to you. I personally know people who have been raped and almost killed by someone that was supposed to be a friend they met online.
How many of you feel awkward in social situations? You're worried that you say the wrong things or look the wrong way or just don't know how to act in front of people? Well, that was (and often still is) me! I would sometimes sit in a car with a group of people and hug the side of the car, not saying a word. If I was asked a question, I would often give one word answers and go back to sticking to the door because I just didn't know what to say and was afraid to open my mouth. What a boring existence, right! Yeah, it was, and it was lonely, depressing, and just miserable! Other times, I felt so much social anxiety that I would cancel plans, skip out on dates, or just lay in bed and cry because I couldn't handle to pressure of facing a crowd. It made for a pretty miserable few years! So, how do we get over that social awkwardness and anxiety? Well, I think the answer is different for everyone, depending on your strengths and weaknesses and the reasons for your social fears. Here are a few ideas, though, and, again, if any of you have any good stories to tell or good ideas, please feel free to comment:
- Just Do It! - Although you may be tempted to skip out on plans with friends or a dance or party, force yourself to go and make yourself have a good time! Sometimes, we tell people we don't want to go when what we really want is for them to beg us to go. We want to feel wanted. Doing this is setting yourself up for disappointment! You may occasionally get your friends to drag you along or try to talk you into going, but eventually your friends will probably catch on to your game and will just stop begging. They'll let you stay home and you'll end up being along and feeling sorry for yourself and digging yourself deeper and deeper into social Siberia. So go! Have a good time! Be positive and optimistic! And don't worry about who is there and what they might be thinking. Only worry about you and your group of friends. They are all that really matters in the end.
- Practice ahead of time - This may sound silly, but I know you've done it before! I've done it, and I still do it as an adult. Before going out into a potentially awkward situation, look at yourself in the mirror and practice some potential scenarios. Possible scenarios could include meeting someone new (same or opposite gender), bumping into someone you haven't seen for a while, seeing someone you don't get along with, having a conversation with someone and having to answer questions or ask questions, feeling pressure to keep a conversation going, being asked to dance, asking someone to dance, speaking up if you have something you'd like to say, etc.
- Talk about it with someone - go to your friends, family members, a therapist, a school counselor, a religious leader, or whomever you feel comfortable talking to and express your fears to them. Hopefully, they can help you realize that many of your fears are irrational or that you can overcome them.
- Search online - you can Google something like "getting over social anxiety"and see the many many hits that come up. There are blogs, forums, and other webpages devoted to finding solutions for social anxiety, so try out a few.
- Ask for help from someone you're not close to - this one can be tricky and might look like you're just fishing for complements, so you have to do it carefully. Just a few months ago, I did this, though, and got some positive (and some not so positive) results. I picked five or six people that I looked up to. I knew them from church. They were girls about my age who were in similar life situations as me (married with kids). I sent them messages on Facebook asking them to tell me honestly what was wrong with me socially- why none of them seemed to particularly like me. I told them that I wanted honest answers, even if they thought it might hurt my feelings. I also told them I wasn't fishing for compliments and that if they didn't have any thoughts for me to just not worry about writing me back. Now, I did this only because I was moving away from the area and would never see any of them again! :) So, there's a catch here. I wouldn't do something like this unless you feel comfortable facing these people after you've asked them or you know you will never see them again! Like I said, I got some positive responses. Some of the girls wrote me back and told me things that really helped a lot. Others I didn't get any response from (so, of course, I automatically assumed that they thought I was a total nerd for writing them about that and thought it would be a waste of time to write me back! OF course, I didn't consider the fact that they might actually have done what I said and not written me back because they didn't think I needed any help).
The main points I wanted to get across on this page are: 1) be grateful for the friends you do have and stop worrying that you aren't popular or liked by the "in" crowd. Be a leader in your own crowd; 2) don't base you choice of friends on things like looks are popularity. Find people you share things in common with and people that like you for you; 3) social anxiety is real and difficult to overcome, sometimes crippling, but it CAN be overcome with time, practice, and help from others; and 4) although online friends can be real and can be there for us, make sure you have some face-to-face friends that you can talk to and rely in in person, who can come to your house or go out with you or be a shoulder to cry on...a REAL shoulder. :)
